My road to a Pranayama Practice

6 months in. 5 days a week. Lying down over my blankets every morning, even if I fall asleep.

Something changed yesterday, a glimmer of hope!  I felt energized after pranayama.  Typically it's just me gasping (or so it feels like) for air.  Today was the opposite, I rolled over feeling fatigue in my body and anxious in my belly and mind. I have been so surprised at how the practice of breathing can have such a profound effect. Just the act of being silent can either send me into a deep meditative state or make my skin crawl, the need to escape. 

Speaking of needing to escape......

That's something I'm really good at. I dig myself a deep hole, crawl into it, bring everybody with me, then that's when I make my escape. 

With this practice of pranayama there is no escape. You are with you and only you. The deepest parts if you come to the surface, wether or not you want them to.

I'll keep going even after days like today. Abhyasa and Vairagya.  Keep saying it......

Little by little I'm getting to know me

Yesterday I was quite sad about this week ending. I even sad harsh words to someone I love deeply. Upon going to bed I thought,"When will this stop? At what point will my words reflect what is going on inside?"  I guess it's my decision. Patricia said this week one of the hardest things to do is make a decision. It's true. We wake up everyday with amazing an opportunity to make our life what we want. 

I woke up this morning realizing I'm no longer sad about this intensive ending. Patricia Walden is a unique teacher who helps you realize we have all the tools we need to progress in this Art of Yoga. Discipline, compassion, humor, sensitivity, and determination. We know what texts to study, what poses to practice, how to be careful when attempting pranayama.  Below is one of the slokas from the Gita we discussed. It stuck with me because my relationship with my yoga practice has had it's ups and downs. At times I've failed, at times I just wanted to quit. There always seems to be something that pulls me in deeper,something inside longing to change.  

Bhagavad Gita 6:23-25

The practice of meditation frees one from all affliction. This is the path of yoga. Follow it with enthusiasm. Renouncing wholeheartedly all selfish desires and expectations, use your will to control the senses. Little by little, through patience and repeated effort, the mind will become stilled in the Self.

Fell off the wagon, how do I get back on?

Sometimes we say we are busy. What are we busy doing? Our minds get distracted. It is quiet moments like this that I savor. Then, voila! I pick up the sutras and get back on the ride of life.

Devki

This past weekend myself and many others were fortunate to study with Devki Desai.  In my humble opinion, she encompasses all that one should to share not only the teachings of the Iyengar family, but the Art of Yoga as a whole. We were all challenged physically, mentally, spiritually, rhythmically, and at the close of the last session we were left with a sense of calmness and balance.

 

This was her message this weekend,  to combine the physical and mental aspects of Yoga to cultivate a life of balance, Equanimaty.  Devki led us through a sequence given to students in Russia a few years ago by Guruji.  The sequence began with supported poses to reduce anxiety and despression in all of us.  Then she took us through more stabalizing poses that included seated postures that lent to length in the spine, stability, and maturity in standing poses. Then on to  pretty intense abdominal work, supported backbends and inversions to extend more intelligence to the sense of stability in our bodies and minds.

 

The last session is what I would call the "exorcisism" sequence.  It felt like I was right back at the Institute in Pune, India.  Devki explained that once a student with anxiety or despression or even  extreme stress gained a sense of relief and stability, the student should move and break up the rigidity. This last sequence was full of jumpings,  handstand variations, headstands, backward extensions, another handstand (which felt sooooo light!) then supported inversions and a long savasana.  The 3 hours of intense work require students to be aware,  alert, and most of all mature.  I would say 3 years ago I would have injured myself because of my ego being bruised that I could not do everything.  Now I find that I feel my body and mind are strong enough for the challenge, whether or not I am successful in the posture itself. I don't really mind that I have a ways to go in my practice.  It gives me something to look forward to, watching how Devki, 20 years older than me moves with a sense of freedom and joy and most of all love.

 

Dana and I with our beautiful teacher after the wedding Puja.

The Alter for the wedding Puja.

Look! Even Robert came!

Time

I am realizing time is just a thing. 

A funny thing that there is just not enough of some days. 

Time needed to write, to play, to learn. 

Does anyone know where I can buy some......

Snow-day Study

I am taking this snow morning opportunity to do some studying for my Junior I assessment.
Typically I would have already walked my dogs for an hour, but today we are all suggled up on the couch with blankets, books, and this computer.  It is really nice.

As I sit here now, thinking about the last month or so of living life,  I am reminded how hard I have been on myself to be something, to achieve something, to finish my lists, and how extremely stressed and burnt out this has left me.  Almost to the point where I want to lay down and not go anywhere for a few days. A little depressed. A little mad at myself. All wrapped up in a package that must still go out into the world and be nice to others. Yes, this is dramatic, but it is how I felt. I know we all have these days and we all get through them.  We also have different ways of moving past these hard thoughts, but it is what is on the other side that is important.  Being able to get to that other side stronger, more focused, and more gentle on yourself.

I will keep this short and sweet today. On this snowy day of moisture, renewal, and rest I am reminded of what a wise friend wrote to me last week. Here it is:

"It is spring, Mother Earth is renewing and replenishing you daily.  Feel her supportive and healing warmth.  Witness her uplifting and encouraging Vibrancy.  Experience her loving openness. Feel her presence. Feel better."

  When I was at my limit of how much I could physically and mentally do last week, on the verge of tears and so unsure of myself and everything I was doing, these words kept me going.

Thank-you friend.

 

What I wanted to say, asmita, and my big ole' ego.

This past weekend was teacher training.  I was asked to present on Kriya Yoga, the yoga of action, for 5 minutes.  I began by reading up a week ahead of time and prepared the entire week for this 5 minutes.  With white board and journal in hand I did it.....well, sort of. My body shook, I think I had some hives on my chest and I couldn't even look at my peers until the end when I finally started to relax. My ego and pride, asmita were shrunk down to nothing. Then when I was asked a question, that I even wrote down the answer to, I froze, looking something like Wilson. I was stripped down to the core. Maybe I am dramatizing it for the sake of readers, but that is what it felt like, really.

There is the strange thing that happens to me when I get in front of a group of people and I am asked to speak on philosophy,  something personal,  or even when sharing what yoga has done for me.  Crying commences. I am not sure anymore if this is a sign that I lack emotional and spiritual intelligence (this is defined as avidya or the seat of all klesas, obstacles) or if this is a sign that I just have more tears that need to escape than most people.

I may have actually over prepared for this.  I googled, I binged, I facebooked, I tweeted, I read the Sutras, the Gita, Light on Yoga, Autobiography of a Yogi and I really just found the same thing.  If we are following the path of yoga, whether it is by the Astanga Yoga of Patanjali, or the Science of Kriya Yoga  and the Path of Kriya Yoga ( both of these latter two are known as the path that Mahavatar Babaji reintroduced after it was lost for centuries) then we will eventually know the freedom that comes from liberating ourselves from  the Obstacles of life, klesas.

What I found most interesting is they both have creative ways of saying the same thing. Follow a path that encompasses Tapas (fire, determination), Svadhyaya (study of scriptures and study of the Self/self), and Isvara Pranidhana (faith and surrender to the higher power) and you will be free! In Light on the Yoga Sutras, Guruji explains, "When these three aspects of Kriya Yoga are followed with zeal and earnestness life's sufferings are overcome, and Samadhi is experienced." The Kriya Yoga Path of Meditation website says this,  "Correct practice of Kriya Yoga enables the normal activities of the heart and lungs and nervous system to slow down naturally, producing deep inner stillness of body and mind and freeing the attention from the usual turbulence of thoughts, emotions, and sensory perceptions. In the clarity of that inner stillness, one comes to experience a deepening interior peace and attunement with one's soul and with God."

In fact they are saying the same thing, be good to society and yourself, have some respect for the law of Karma.  Incorporate a spiritual practice of asana, pranayama.  After this first tier, detach yourself from the everyday vrittis (fluctuations that happen in our mind) and from some of the modern day crap that steals our souls like social media, internet shopping, and reality tv shows with Gordan Ramsey. (Just kidding , I'm obsessed with any cooking shows, so those can stay) After detaching, learn to concentrate, slow down some more, then meditate. Now we can truly see that stripped down Self we have been longing to see.

I will leave you with what I wrote as a synopsis, only because I think it is what this path of Kriya Yoga has really done for me.

-Practicing this path of Yoga does not mean that all life's problems disappear forever.  It just means you learn tools to help you through those times when it seems all you have are obstacles.  By facing these obstacles and fears head on, one by one, you are lead to be more open, or as one of my teachers likes to say, Radically open, to new ideas, people, experiences, not lead anymore by your fears. You now have the wisdom, the humility, and the discipline so you can  be lead by your curiosities and passions.-